Most resources for survivors of intimate partner violence assume that victims are cis heterosexual women and that their abusers are cis heterosexual men. However, abuse can and does happen in queer relationships, and because mainstream services fail to capture the experiences of queer and trans survivors, seeking support can be an isolating experience. Additionally, there are types of abuse specific to queer relationships—such as threatening to out a queer or trans person if they want to leave, demeaning or controlling a person’s gender identity or presentation, or other forms of identity abuse—that are not acknowledged by heteronormative models of anti-violence work.

Rather than trying to fit survivors’ experience into this cisheteronormative model, my approach is to help survivors cope with the aftermath of abuse by creating space to explore emotions such as grief, anger, and ambivalence around the end of these relationships, as well as re-storying and challenging beliefs that solidified during the abuse. 

Femmephobia, a term used to describe the cultural and structural devaluation of femininity, impacts people who sit at the intersection of queerness and femininity. Despite lip service to the contrary, fem(mes)¹ of all genders are erased, dismissed, and subjected to violence even in queer spaces that are supposed to be inclusive and safe for us. I highlight and focus on femmephobia specifically because the issues and dynamics specific to queer fem(me)s of all genders are often erased when absorbed into more commonly discussed issues—like transphobia, misogyny, and homophobia—resulting in the minimization and/or erasure of femmephobic behaviours and discourses in queer spaces more generally. 

For many queer people, in no particular order, femmephobia can manifest as expectations and assumptions about your role/position in sexual and romantic partnerships; sub and bottom shaming; being viewed as either not queer enough or too visible to the point of it becoming dangerous; transmisogyny being normalized in “trans inclusive” spaces; shaming cis and trans men and transmasculine non-binary people for being sensitive, wearing make-up or feminine clothing, not adhering to toxic masculinity, etc.; expectations for fem(me)s to manage conflict and emotional wellbeing in friend groups, polycules, and community; and so on.

My practice acknowledges the complex impacts of femmephobia and how these differ from person to person. I personally understand how shitty it can feel, especially when it comes from people who you believe know better. Together, we can unpack how femmephobia may be emerging for you, whether it be in your close relationships, your community, structurally, or even your internal sense of self.

 _{¹ I use the term “fem(me)” here to group together queer folks whose identities align with femininity. While I chose it for the sake of brevity, I acknowledge that it’s by no means a universal term and invite to self-label however feels comfortable, if at all.}

Because of femmephobia, queer femininity is simultaneously erased and made hyper visible. Trans women and effeminate queer men are made the primary targets of anti-LGBTQ+ legislation and violence; fem(me)s of all genders are assumed to be passive and submissive, and therefore can become targets for gendered abuse; fem(mes) who are denied their femininity because of race, ability, size, and/or age are pushed out of spaces they have a right to be in; AFAB fem(me)s, both cis and trans alike, are lumped in with either cis women or trans men and denied either their queerness or their femininity.

My practice invites the exploration of queer femininity in all its forms in a safe and accepting space. Whether you’re working to overcome internalized femmephobia or forming a new relationship to femininity entirely, I welcome and celebrate you wherever you’re at.